think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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