All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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