You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
