Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
