i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
