I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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