The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Randomize
