Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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