dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
