I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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