I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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