There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
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