Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
