haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
