Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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