its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
