I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
whose parrot is this?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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