I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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