mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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