You're completely useless in the revolution.
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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