True but thats because hes a fetus.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
