Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
