actually, I'm a sock model
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
