I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
