No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
