i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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