Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
