Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
