remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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