Your dad touched me again.
there's paper in my vomit.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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