Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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