You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
