Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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