Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
