i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Randomize
