Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
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