and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
