tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
