apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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