And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
