she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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