I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
