1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
