captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
