only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
