shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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