Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
