went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
