wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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