I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
