She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
